Letter to my younger self
Kelly, when you have your first baby, it’s not going to be how the books, films and magazines say it is… it’s going to be quite a journey, and one that nobody ca teach you… so I hope you read this letter, because when Delivery day arrives, you’ll thank me for informing and reassuring you.
At 25 weeks pregnancy, you’re going to have a car crash, it’s nothing major, but you will need to spend the night in hospital to make sure everything is ok with you and baby.
The following morning, you’ll have a scan, and as you already intuitively know it’s a boy, the scan will give you this confirmation, and you will name him too.
Around two weeks before D-Day, you will start to get chronic back pains, it’s called back labour, and it isn’t going to get any easier, it contracts when you get ‘brackston hicks’ which are labour contractions that will prepare your body for the big day. it’s uncomfortable, stretching and moving your hips will give some relief, rotating on a gym ball will help too… sorry, this is going to be a long labour process….
You won’t even attend any anti natal classes because you know, intuitively , you won’t be needing them…
Labour day will start on Saturday, four days before your Due date; you’ll be in the shop close to your home, and that’s when your ‘Hind waters’ will break. approximately 6:30pm. for the next 24 hours, it will be a constant trickle of water, you’ll be going to the bathroom every 20 minutes, so don’t expect any sleep. Not on this night or the next.
On Sunday, you will call the labour ward and they will ask you to go in for a check up. you will think you’ll be sent home… You won’t… you’re in for the duration so go fully prepared…
The examination is like a smear test, they take a swab to test to see if it’s your waters, and it is… you’ll be sent up to the ante natal ward, as the next stage will be a pessary, to speed things up…
At 8pm, the midwife will give you the pessary, it’s a cream and a cervix sweep, to stimulate more pain! They will tell you that the pessary will be repeated every 8 hours, just so you know?
Note; this stings like a bitch, its itchy and irritating.
At 8:30pm, the midwife will send you down to the labour ward, because the heart monitor on the baby is erratic…. Labour is now in full swing, but very slow.
You’ll be put on a monitor, and placed on your left side where you won’t be allowed to move at all… they are monitoring baby’s heartbeat and you will have to stay stationary in the same position for hours to come….
I told you your labour day was not going to be like the stories or books..
As you watch the clock ticking on the wall, every minute will be counted as you will for the time to pass, each minute the pain increases more and more. I think being stuck in one position without the ability to move about is going to add to your pain intensity, and it’s this experience that will show you, how strong you truly are.
Intuitively you already know it’s going to be a C-Section, but the hospital is taking things rather slowly, they only operate when its life or death… and you will be bartering with them to go into surgery, because ‘YOU KNOW, how it’s going to go, the staff on the other hand, DON’T listen. You’re a first time mother….
The monitor will be making a criss cross pattern, on every contraction, baby is being starved of oxygen, as each contraction squeezes him.
This is going to continue for 10 hours, so pay attention to the rest of this letter.
You’re incredibly brave and you don’t want to make any noise, darling… make some GOD DAMN NOISE… SCREAM… cos if you don’t, the midwife os just going to give you two paracetamol and leave you there, writhing in absolute AGONY…
You’ll be watching the seconds tick by… every two minutes the contractions will be FIERCE, it’s going to burn like a BITCH…
No one else on the ward is being brave, you’ll hear the other mothers crying out in agony, so join in sweetheart, make a tune together! cos it’s going to be a long time – four hours in total agony.. you NEED the GAS and AIR, not paracetamol!
So let some air outta your lungs and make room for the gas and air – it;;s good stuff (lol)
Don’t depend on the father either, he’ll be sleeping like a baby in the chair beside you!
By 2 am, you won’t hold in the pain anymore, and you’ll be yelling for mercy… Finally…. you start to express the pain you’re holding in…
Hallelujah, you’re aloud to move off from the position on your left and with grace, you’ll walk over to the delivery bed…. Change position, turn onto your right side instead, its going to be another six hours….
You’ll be offered a mouthpiece or a mask, take the mouthpiece, as you can bite on it during each bone breaking contraction….
The Doctor and midwife will call in each half an hour, and the midwifes will start telling the father off, telling him to offer encouragement and support… because he is useless!!
After an hour, at 3 am, they will give you a drip, to speed things up even more, they’re in a hurry to get you to full dilation, and this drip is gonna feel like you’ve been hit by a truck…
The contractions and the pain is going to go from 100, to 1000 within minutes of the drip being inserted. The midwife is giving you a pethadine injection at the same time, and you wont even notice any effect.
An hour later, at 4 am the waters around baby’s head will be broken, its a small hook, and no, it isn’t going to hurt you or baby.
You’ll hug the gas and air like its life support…. You’ll go through nearly three canister, because you won’t come up for air, to be honest, the contractions will get so close that you won’t have time to take a break…
By six o clock, the midwife will ask if a student can stay with you, and she won’t leave your side until you get to theatre.
Tears will sting as each cell in your body screams with unbearable pain, a pain I cannot describe for words, it’s an experience like no other.
The monitor will still be making the same criss cross pattern throughout the labour, by 7 am, the registrar will want to get blood gas off the baby’s head. Now this contraption is like a long hollow tube, about 5 cm wide, and it’s going to take several attempts to get his blood gas, 45 minutes it will take, and everybody on the labour ward will all have a go at getting the blood gas. Finally the registrar will take get the blood and the reading.
At 7:45 am, the whole labour ward will be in the delivery room, two midwives will put support stockings on one leg, another two till put them on the other leg, the anaesthetist will read out the anaesthetic and get you to sign, on the other side of the bed, another midwife will read out the surgery process and get you to sign as form. the registrar will be shouting at them all,
Chaos surrounds you and finally, the contractions have eased, you’re ready to push…. But the whole room will be urging you NOT TO PUSH…
NO….Don’t push is all you will hear… within minutes you’ll be whisked off very quickly to theatre….
Before you go in, you will have a mibute to speak to the father… and you’ll ask him
‘Please, if I don’t make it, I want you to promise me you will call him Kayman,’ tears will stream down your face in you final hour…. you seriously don’t know at this point if you’re going to wake up to see him in the physical…. it really has come to a life and death situation….
If only they had listened last night!
In theatre, everybody is scrubbing up, washing their hands and you’ll be digging your heels into the cold bed, to stop yourself from pushing….. then, you’ll be put to sleep…
You will wake at 9 am, and the father will be holding the baby in the chair beside you…
The midwife will ask if you want to hold him and you will… as he is placed into your arms… oh my god, an overwhelming sensation is going to consume every fibre and every cell in your body….
JOY…. you are going to experience the most powerful emotion you’ve have ever felt before…. unconditional love. A love like no other… a love that is pure, real and raw.
When you were 15, you made a wish, you asked for a man you could love FOREVER, one that would ever break your heart, a man that would never hurt you, and today, your wish is granted.
This baby boy is your wish fulfilment, and your life’s purpose. This little man is all yours to love FOREVER….
You’re little boy will be watching you as he grows up, so you keep doing your thing and keep those standards HIGH. The man you are raising is going to be comparing you to every woman he meets in his life, he will compare every girl against you… you are setting the EXAMPLE for what his wife will be…. So teach him well… teach him to respect women, teach him to protect his sisters (which he will), and teach him the values that you hold.
This my darling Kelly, is your life’s purpose when you finally choose to become a mother. To raise a child, a boy and make him the man he will become. A man you are proud of. A man who shows women respect, a man who protects women. And one day, he will find a woman, just like you!
The moral of this letter; don’t waste you time trying to change men, or complaining about the ignorance of men and how poorly they treat women, instead focus all you time and attention on raising a boy, into the kind of man you want to see in society. That’s how mothers bring forward the change in mans attitude and behaviour, towards women in general… by the standards set by their mother.
It all begins, and ends with the Mother, the most powerful position in the world is the Queen, who sits on her throne, ruling her Kingdom….