Loving youself is often misunderstood and misinterpreted dependijg on the culture we’re raised in and the traditions and values our families teach us. We’re raised to learn about fear and we can spend our entire lives, living in the shadows of fears which were not in our control at the time, being taught about love from someone elses perspective and percetion. Parents put expectations upon us, sodiety demands we comply to certain regulations and laws. And while laws and regulations are necessary, they can have a damaging impact on our development and overall happiness.
Unlearning old habits and damaging limitations, getting to know ourselves inside is a personal endeavor. And one we all travel, alone.
Perception is how you view the environment and this can differ to the other persons opinion and judgement about who you are and what is expected, from you. These judgements are placed on us due to unconscious fears we hold about ourselves and the world around us.
We cannot begin to make progress in learning to Love ourselves until we start being kind to ourselves in healthy ways. A very important part of being kind to ourselves is learning how to say NO, and how to set, and being able to defend, BOUNDARIES.
Unconditional Love does not mean being a doormat for other people – unconditional Love begins with loving ourselves enough to protect ourselves from the people we Love – if that is necessary. Even if that means leaving something that is trying to kill us, or an alternative perspective, knock some sense into us!
Some relationships we encounter will provide a valuable lesson for self love. Teaching us in ways that may feel painful, harmful and even violently destructive.
As with all relationships, its useful to look underneath and see if you’re enabling the behaviour or if you’re contributing. Relationships give us the lesson and the mirror, the other mirror is a part of yourself, that is unresolved or something you have over identified with.
Abuse teaches a valuable lesson. For the recipient, it shows where we are weak, where we are lost, or where we need to grow and learn. For the other, they may play the villian, the trickster or the demon. The two players in a relationship really come together to resolve past karma, past trauma, unconscious wounds and to help us grow and evolve.
A person who is acting out self destructively, has no reason to change if they do not ever suffer major consequences for their behaviours. If they are rescued from consequences, or you make excuses for their behaviour, or even keep forgiving the same abusive pattern, they are enabled to continue practicing their dysfunction – even when the behaviour is physically damaging and you are being used as a punch bag. Again, the lesson is there, you just have to look.
Is the lesson telling you to be strong and set a boundary, or are they trying to knock some sense into you!! You can’t force or make someone have feelings for you. And the other can’t punch you to make you care and love them the way they expect to be loved!
Self love is to let go of dysfuctional patterning!
Drunk words are sober thoughts – listen to them under intoxication!
Many a true word is said in jest – pay attention to sarcasm and humuor!
An abusive partner, is a soulmate of some time from the past, a lifetime forgotton, who is there to teach you more about yourself, and one of the greatest lessons to be learnt from violence, is the violence we hold, in ourselves. The mirror of the other, is a mirror of our own inner conflict.
An abuser, although the lesson is painful to understand, there is a vital and powerful truth hidden inside the pain that is inflicted.
Learning to love thyself, means to love your own life and happiness above that of someone who doesn’t love themselves. You can’t claim to love someone, if your own concept of self love is distorted to begin with.
Yes, there are people who have cared and loved someone, only to learn they other mirror has no capacity to love and care for themself. So was it real love to begin with?
Tough love is a hard and sometimes sad road we must walk down. It is a process we use when we need to step away from the need to control or stop our desire to help a loved one who has become too dependent on drugs or alcohol. It could also be used for a person who just needs a huge wakeup call when they are self-destructing their own life or the welfare of another. With tough love, there is always a lesson that will be learnt, and unfortunately, it is learned the hard way.
Tough love is a sink or swim scenario and can be a heart-wrenching situation to endure. But when the swimmer rises from the depths of his co-dependence and becomes fully his own person, it is a win-win for both individuals. The other person on a mission to self destruct, will be forced to face their behaviour! And you will be free’d from a damaging attachment!
To think that loving someone means we have to accept being abused by them, is dysfunctional – demonstrates a lack of Love for our self. If we don’t know how to love to our self, then we cannot Truly Love another person in a healthy way. If we do not honour our self, show respect for our self, by having boundaries – then the other person is not going to respect us either.
You teach others how to treat you by the example you set. If you keep forgiving and excusing their dysfuction because you pity them, you’re causing just as much damage to youself and the person who NEEDS PROFESSIONAL HELP
Love that does not include boundaries is not Love – it’s enmeshment, and emotional vampirism. If I do not Love myself enough to have boundaries to protect myself from the behaviours of him/her then I am not capable of relating to other people in a healthy Loving manner. Rescuing, excusing or enabling another from their own self destructive behaviours is not Loving – it’s co-dependent dishonesty.
Sometimes we want something very badly for another person. We think we know what they need and what will make their life change for the better. But most times we are enabling the dependent in our relationship.
How to break the chain
BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES
Draw a line and commit to making things change, you have this power, you can make a change for all parties involved. If the person you are dealing with cannot compromise, show compassion or keeps reverting and diverting the issues back to you, you have to empower yourself, stand up for yourself and set boundaries.
Decide where your boundaries will be. … Learn to defend yourself and say NO. You dont need to justify your decision, stick to your boundary. If people respect you and want you in their life, the boundary will have a powerful effect to you relationship and creates respect.
Refuse to continue enabling your loved one. … Enforce a boundary and stick to it. See where you are enabling and make a solid committment to stop it.
Maintain your resolve. … It often gets worse before it gets better, only you can decide how you wish to be treated. Respect is earn’t.
Develop a plan of action. … When things get tough, have a back up for support. Get a friend or someone else to help keep you strong. Behaviour management and changing damaging behaviour often gets worse before it gets better, stay strong!
Show Respect…. Respect the other persons boundaries too. Judge the behaviour, not the person. Its the behaviour you’re confronting, and this is healthy.
Enforce your boundaries and stick to them. Everyone loves a great drama or a sad sob story. I’ve always been a sucker for a sob story, which is why I had to stop and learn, self love. Listen open heartedly and learn to separate your head from your heart.
A sob story is a manipulative way of trying to get negative attention, self pity and an avoidance tactic to hide behind maladaptive and damaging habits. You want the dependent to become their own hero, so don’t allow them to be their own victim by falling for the story.
Empowerment is far more effective than critisism. You can’t change their behaviour by rescuing them and believing the promise of ‘I won’t do it again!’ Only for them to go off and spend the rent on white powder, while you work yourself into an early grave trying to stay afloat!
Pathalogical liars, dont stop lying because you forgave them, they learn to use your kindness to continue their behaviour. Forgive yourself for being stupid in trusting words and tears, over evidence in action!
Actions speak louder than words – open your eyes and see the truth!
Trying to do everything for someone else who is functionally capable is only destroying your own energy levels, confidence, patience, self esteem etc, and it will drain you.
If someone is physically and emotionally capable of doing a task, let them. Stop rescuing, you’re enabling their bad behaviour towards you to continue. You can not rescue someone, who is not prepared to rescue themselves. Its not your responsibilty to be held accountable for their poor behaviour and lack of self control!
Teach them your boundaries and what you will and will not accept!
When you want the best for someone, learn to walk away and get help. You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot force it drink the water, however hard you try to help the damaged person. They have to learn there are consequences to their destructive actions, especially if those actions are destroying you or your family.
When you are sick and tired of worrying about someone else day in and day out, try tough love and allow yourself to discover, real self-love. You are worth it, and your destructive dependant needs to see that too.
Tough love is a common expression used to describe any behaviour that is a firm, and sometimes cold, approach to handling someone’s actions. It is somewhat controversial, particularly when used in the treatment of certain disorders, such as drug addiction or other addictive behaviours. When these behaviours are destroying you, and the person behaving in this manner, refuses to address their damaging and dysfunctional behaviour – TOUGH LOVE and BOUNDARIES are necessary.