Five tips to help those experiencing or processing abuse;
First, take care of yourself. This may be hard for some people to achieve, especially if you’ve always been a people pleaser and detest confrontation and conflict. Taking care of yourself, is imperative to coping with the hostile situations you find yourself in. Whatever it is, that you can try and hold out for, (I used to tell myself it was all part of a test) hold onto it. Make self care a priority, have a favourite sweet treat or take a walk. Whatever you can manage to do that will help you take some breathing space, to calm yourself to stay grounded!
Give yourself a goal, make it a purpose for you to keep holding on. Set a date, a get out a jail date. Some situations are not as easy to break away from, for a plethora of reasons, but a goal will help you stay grounded and more alert. Even if that goal is just for survival.
Secondly, get counselling and expert help. It’s vital and necessary. People who have been in abusive relationships and disregard the opportunity to help offload the baggage of traumas they had in the relationship, can cause themselves more damage in the long term. As these wounds still sting, and you will always be a slave to them, until you look back and heal the core wound. The core wound is the fastest way, to clearing traumas accumulated. I’ve witnessed the different cultures on the forums online. Trolls and other damaged people hunt on these forums and throw in so many red herrings. Some perpetrators believe they are victims and prefer to sit within the victim camp, directing the blame on the other. Please be careful and cautious with online forums, there a breeding ground for abusers looking for a vulnerable target like you! Use your discernment!
Once a victim has left the danger, avoidance of the experience, or compartmentalising the experience does not protect the psyche from healing. In fact, avoiding the opportunity to heal and move on, further damages the psyche and leads the person into another, dysfunctional relationship. The unconscious bonds will continue to seek out another experience until it has learnt what it needs to learn, before breaking the cycle. There is a valuable lesson inside the pain! When you identify the core original wound, it’s the fastest route to healing, freedom and liberation!
Find expert help, to help you process and release your anger! It’s poisonous to your healing…..get angry, but do it safely!
Remember, people with narcissism refuse to believe they have a problem. Because narcissism indicates dysfunction and/or disabulity, and we all know that a narcissist believes in their perfection and are faultless! Once someone leaves an abusive relationship, it is wise to examine why and how the conflict changed from love to fear. When you rip off the band aids and start to unravel the conditioning and reasons why you were enmeshed in the relationship, you will be able to resolve the inner turmoil, releasing so much heavy density and pain, and find that your next relationship is real and requited.
Third; you did nothing wrong. Do not be ashamed of your experience, do not blame yourself for the traumatic experiences, you were not in control and had no other power to escape the experience. You are not in any way at fault. Please don’t feel overwhelmed by shame and guilt, these negative emotions will only impede your recovery. Moreover, these emotions are not yours! They were used against you to get you to let your guard down. Secondly, society tends to blame the victim too, which makes projection of shame and guilt much easier to dump on you, bringing to down even further. (Just keep reminding yourself that the guilt and shame is a projection of their shadow! It makes letting go easier!)
Fourth; You are beautiful….. Amazing…magnificent…..brilliant…..outstanding.
You are ENOUGH. You do not need to change anything about yourself to be accepted. You are enough as you are. Stand in front of the mirror and repeat it to yourself until you finally believe it! I AM ENOUGH. Amen
Fifth; forgiveness? You don’t owe anybody anything, forgiving an abuser is YOUR CHOICE! You don’t owe them anything, even forgiveness. But you do owe yourself forgiveness. Forgiveness for being naive. Forgiveness for being young, forgiveness for believing and accepting such BS? etc…
Can you bring yourself to see the abuser as a victim too? Can you look past the trauma and rage the experience gave you and see the boy, inside the man? Hungry for lust and power and driven by his unbridled desire to quench it! The boy, unable to take any control within himself? The boy, ravaged by past beatings, traumas and abuses, or loneliness, neglect and isolation! The boy, fearful and raw, inside the man, the beast. The two people inside the mind, torment him more than the trauma will torment you. Forgive, but never forget. (If your struggling with even contemplating forgiveness, see post ‘the f plan,’ for alternative options to letting go!) Although I do believe some things are unforgivable!
Give yourself Compassion, it costs nothing, and is part of the puzzle that will allow you to move on and gain clarity. It works a lot faster than Prozac too! Write a compassionate letter to your younger self, to help you self heal.
His tongue, his mind, you are not a magician, you have no power in putting those words in their mouth or stopping their fist from greeting your face! The person who harmed you is the one with insecurity issues and lacks any self control. Not you!
Finally, let go. Let go of the past, let the traumas and memories remain in the past, close the door. Step of the platform and board a new train. Letting go releases the tension and opens you up to receiving and feeling a greater, more passionate and uplifting form of you, it also opens up the channels of a greater love. And remember, you have the power within you to feel pain and sorrow, love and joy, the person who abused is not able to feel any of these things anymore, whether they were beaten out of them or traumatised their psyche in another way, they cannot feel love, (they feel anger only) you can. That’s why they were so attracted to you. There is a huge difference between you both, paradoxically, there is also a huge similarity, once you realise it, and release the association, you will be free again.
Free to be..