I turned on the car engine and sped away. It was past midnight and the air was cool for a bank holiday weekend. Still a little shocked at the scene I left behind, but past the point of anger anymore, as it was futile right now.
As the car coursed down the long winding hill, I kept myself strong in my mind, echoing the words ‘your safe….you did it….your free.’
I was homeless. My only possession was my car, the clothes I was wearing and an overnight bag. Very little money in my bank, as I’d had niaevely handed over all my monthly wages to my ex the day before! The police lingered around to make ensure I could gather some of my things together, maybe this allowed me the time to keep my head together, making sense out of the chaos! I should of been feeling anxious for my new future as a single mother, with children and no roof over our heads. I needed to act fast, as we couldn’t live in a car!
I was done with fear at this point, I refused to feel scared of the future. I had lived my life in fear of the future. The tornado of emotional upheaval that tortured my soul was was erupting. The debt, whatever it may of been, was paid. In my heart, it was completely over and the spell, was broken.
The moonlight started to show through the buildings and I began to devour the sensational explosion of freedom. I was coming alive, a new feeling was opening inside and I had no idea what it was, but it felt amazing. At first it took my breathe away, captured by awe and wonder, I wound the car window right down, taking small gulps of oxygen as I tried to saviour the powerful emotion that was pulsating through me.
From the depth of my stomach, a rising blast of empowering energy, overtook my core. I felt the rush of electricity surge up through my body and hit my eyes like a bolt of lightening. I think I jolted forward physically in my seat momentarily.
Releasing any attachment of fear I took a breathe in and in that moment, I felt like I had united with the wind. My wings had finally opened and I was soaring, freely through the winding valleys of darkness and further away towards the lighter sky. I felt totally safe, protected and alive. I found peace. In total surrender with the elements of nature, flying through the starry night sky. The expansive air consumed and swept me away in seconds. I was bursting with vitality, I could feel tears of joy mixed with excitement.
It was midnight and I never felt more alive, I absorbed everything, the smell of the air, the breeze blowing against my face, the wild wind, blowing back tears of pure elation. I remembered feeling something like this when I gave birth. I felt like I had fallen in love….. with freedom.
I looked left as the tears of joy began to spring into my eyes, I had no control over this incredibly empowering feeling taking off inside me. Truth is, I didn’t want to control it, I was quite safe allowing this powerful enigmatic energy rush take over. Taking another breathe in, to control this new internal wonder and awe, I was beside myself with pure joy. I was off the roof with euphoria, tears of pure bliss, creeping quietly out the corner of my eyes as I continued to drive through the dark, winding country lanes.
I was homeless and free and I couldn’t of felt any more happier or alive. The emotions that erupted were akin with how I felt after giving birth. It was amazing, really really amazing. Like an orgasm in the heart. It was nothing I had ever experienced before, yet I knew, and felt on a profound level, that I had been blessed.
I had nothing, and I had everything, in one moment.