It was another emotionally volatile evening again. He had been out drinking, which gave me a few hours of respite from the verbal and psychological onslaughts. On his return, he continued his verbal tirade, determined to wear me down so I would finally crack into psychosis.
I removed myself from the room and went in the kitchen where he followed me, to continue. He took the long chopping knife and held the blade pointing it, against his heart, pleading with me to push it. Begging me to help him end his misery. Telling me how much he hates himself. Saying he needed a soul transplant. Asking me to tell him how much I hate him. Manipulating me to spark his internal rage. Every question was loaded with venom, baiting me to bite the forbidden fruit.
I stayed in therapist mode. It helped to ground me and maintain my self control. I held back, saying nothing for fear of antagonising the situation. There was barely two foot of space between us and the energy in the air felt tense. I was hyper vigilant and shaking with fear. This could turn really messy. That long knife would cause some serious damage. He was emotionally unstable and I realised instantly, the gravity of the situation I was in.
The Shadow – Fuck him, lookout for yourself.
I was growing weaker by the second. I was terrified that I was now at the point of no return. I fought hard to control my anger and fury. Totally fed up with being the mediator, the one to placate and soothe his insecurities and needs.
The Warrior – I contemplated his request. As tempted as I was to push the blade into his heart, I held back?
The Innocent child – Why?
The Warrior – I might miss!
The Voice of Reason – It’s not your destiny.
I said a silent prayer. God please help me.
Then, something inside went BANG.
The Mystic – here comes your moment of truth. Be very still and watch carefully.
I don’t know what it was, only it felt like something opened. In a split second I read every malicious word that was dancing across his mind. I looked directly in the eyes of the devil and felt a chill. His pupils expanded, his eyes were black, a minute frown as his eyebrows pointed inward very slightly. I saw pure malice, controlled rage and a sadistic plan. Hell lay behind those eyes. His voice was incongruent with his intention. Pleading softly and staring menacingly. The cognitive dissonance in his presentation was evident. I could see past the facial expression and identified his wicked plan.
This was it. I was finally going to stand up for myself and fight back! My Warrior that was silenced years ago resurfaced, my Shadow, came up to play. This was the deciding moment of my future. The Warrior was silenced. Now she turns up and wants to takes charge. Which way was I going to go? Was I finally about to explode into psychosis and ignite the catalyst? Containing my anger and pain was draining? I was scared, not just of him, but now of myself and what I was truly capable of, from years and years of verbal and emotional abuse had I finally snapped.
The Warrior – Hold tight sister, this is it! Your about to exchange one prison, for another.
He went to grab my hand to put it on the knife, I reacted fast, (The Mystic – Dont touch it!) pulling my hand back and gripping the lip of the work surface, with every ounce of energy and strength that I could find. My knuckles were white and locked into position. I was going to need strong force to remove my hands from behind my back, as I was not touching that knife in any way.
The Mystic – Strangely, I knew exactly what was going through his mind as I looked at him directly in the eyes. It was surreal as it felt like I could hear the words he was thinking in that instance.
'Just touch the knife bitch, cos I am gonna take this blade, with your prints all over it and prove to everyone that you abused me! I can Prove that your the one who is crazy.'
The warrior – Self defence is his alibi. Stay calm. It’s a trap, it’s his grenade!
The other option, well I wouldn’t be here to tell that tale!
The Warrior – This is projection. It’s his insanity that he wants to project on you. Think about it!
His eyes grew darker, blacker, deeper. Behind those eyes was the lair of darkness, whirling in a black hole of hatred and vengeance. In that split second moment, everything became clear. He didn’t want to kill me, no that would of exposed him for who he really was. He wasn’t satisfied with breaking my heart, destroying my soul and attacking my sanity. He wanted me to frame myself!
'So I can prove how crazy you are. I'm going to break your mind, just like I broke your fucking heart.'
If my hand touched that knife, it was game over!
The game strategy: A manipulation tactic to get me to remove it from him, and then my prints were evident to whatever story he chose to confabulate. Or, it’s the end!
I froze for fear of my own reaction. I talked quietly and gently, eventually he dropped the knife into the sink and left the room, he went off to bed. I calmly walked outside, then started hyperventilating, I kept breathing in rapid spurts, with each breathe I took a deep gasp of cold night air. Shaking throughout my body, I felt my throat and the back of my tongue burn with each short, rapid breathe. Proud of myself for being strong. I was trembling physically, trying to get my thoughts together.
The Warrior – you should of pushed it. He won’t stop until you do! I was ready.
The Voice of Reason – You did the right thing. You were sensible and very strong. Warrior, come out of the shadow. It’s safe now.
The Healer – I should be calling the mental health service to get him assessed. Truth is, he will deny it, making me look stupid again. It’s crazy making in play!
The Mystic – you passed the first challenge, the test isn’t over yet.
The Caregiver – He has abandoned himself. He’s really insecure and needy. I feel sorry for him?
The Warrior – Thanks for that, I’ll take it from here. You’ve been in the driving seat for too long. Caregiver, you can’t help him anymore.
The Innocent child – Who will love him?
The Caregiver – He’s lost, I want to help him. I’m struggling to let go!
The Healer – He has to learn to love himself. Your part is finished now. You can’t rescue or fix what doesn’t want to be fixed. You need to fix you.
The Warrior – Thanks everyone for attending this mindful meeting. As you can see, our commander is overwhelmed, her body is shaking with anxiety, she needs a strong leader to take charge. caregiver, you’ve done everything you can, please let go and hand me the keys. I’m taking over.
The Mystic -Warrior, your angry, you need to soften your power, take the innocent child with you, she will help soften your raging heart through this.
The Warrior – the innocent child has seen too much!!
The Mystic – She needs to see the truth.
The Warrior – She already knows. She was traumatised from the first time! She’s too hurt to be my wing man. This is a battlefield, a verbal grenade could go off anytime!
The Mystic – underneath her trauma, is the Rebel. Allow the warrior to free her.
The Innocent child – Do I have to go. Last time I was scared, he was mean to me. He was a really bad man. It’s safer under the bed.
The Warrior – No problem sweetie, you stay here. This is a battlefield, for survival.
The Voice Of Reason – Trust me.
The Warrior – Ok. But if things get messy.
The Voice of Reason – Its the best option. The child needs you warrior! Only you can save her from her fears. Use her fears and nightmares for power. It will keep you alive. Good luck. You are so much more powerful than you can imagine.
The Warrior – She can’t hear us right now, she’s too hyperaroused and vigilant. I’m setting up the trenches, buckle your seat belts crew, because this battlefield is in full swing. It’s going to be a bumpy ride.
Another inhalation of the cigarette.
Warrior – ‘Don’t cry. Do not cry.’
I screamed to my brain. Fighting all emotional turbulence.
‘Not long to go.’ I reminded myself and lit another cigarette.
* Four weeks until freedom
He wandered off to bed. It wasn’t over yet! The Warrior sat on the sofa all night, cursing everything that was hindering my exit. I sat up all night, alert. Ready for round three.